You Are A Whole Orange: Educate To Avoid Emotional Dependence

We tend to realize that dependency is a problem when we experience it closely or are involved… when we associate it with actual or potential suffering. But,  is it possible to educate to avoid emotional dependence? Can we prevent toxic relationships from education?

Human beings are dependent. We are born dependent. However, emotional dependence is a psychological state that is a great source of discomfort for those who live it. As social beings, we need each other. We seek contact, cooperation and exchange. We unite and build. However, this is not always the case: sometimes we bond with someone and, despite understanding that the relationship destroys us, we feel the need to maintain it.

Who told you that you are not a whole orange?

Media, games, inaccurate questions, folk tales, traditions, poorly considered advice … They leave no room for doubt: we need to establish a loving relationship to feel complete and complete. How else?

It is not a secret that we live in a society that, in a more or less conscious way, promotes dependency relationships, disfiguring the ultimate meaning of a couple relationship: that of sharing and joining in order to want and not to need. Unfortunately, we tend to want to avoid emotional dependence when we are suffering, have suffered, or see those we love suffer.

The role of education to avoid emotional dependence

The models and experiences that we have in early childhood serve as a reference to avoid the world and relationships. A child who has not learned how to obtain affection in a successful way for him and those around him is likely to feel a bit lost in this area as an adult and continue trying to obtain it in the wrong ways. Similarly, children who grow up with parents who know how to control, manage and talk about their emotions are likely to end up being much more skilled in these skills.

In this sense, educating to avoid emotional dependence is, in addition to being healthy, possible. Pretending children to become independent adults is unrealistic if not encouraged. When a baby is born, the dependency is total. However, the progressive autonomy that you acquire will depend on your education.

How to educate to avoid emotional dependence?

The psychoanalyst John Bowlby formulated the attachment theory to explain the emotional bond that is generated between the baby and its parents. This author defended that the attachment style begins to form during childhood, but that this formation continues throughout life. Of course, the type of attachment that the little ones establish with their reference figures will, in some way, constitute the basis of their emotional development.

Therefore, fostering a secure attachment in early childhood will be key to avoiding toxic relationships  generated by dependency. This affective bond will be the place where the little ones will learn that exploring the world and its ins and outs alone is compatible with feeling the love, trust and security of their parents.

Some guidelines to raise resilient children and avoid emotional dependence :

• Show affection.  Expressing love for children with words and gestures makes them feel loved. Only in this way will they be able to explore knowing that they have a refuge in which to protect themselves if they need it.
• Express emotions.  Expressing what we feel and why we feel allows children to develop empathy. In addition, in this way they understand that emotions are human and that nothing happens to feel sad or angry. Identifying what it feels like will allow greater self-knowledge, as well as better modulate behaviors. Far from what was thought for decades, children’s success is determined more by their emotional intelligence than by their intellectual capacity.

• Be available.  There is no use spending a lot of time with children if you do not play with them or pay attention to their needs. Children need to know that their parents are there (even when they are not) and that they are sensitive to their needs.
• Promote autonomy and decision-making.  Encouraging children to make their own decisions makes them trust their own judgment. Stimulating their curiosity and conflict resolution makes them feel more capable and confident.
• Provide security and confidence.  When we reward their progress and support them in new projects, they create a positive image of themselves. It is the way we allow children to feel competent. In addition, when we accompany them in the falls and give them confidence to try again, we promote values ​​such as perseverance or perseverance

• Take care of oneself.  Do not neglect yourself, to take care of others. It is convenient to find and transmit this balance, showing them that they are the ones who first have to worry about meeting their own needs. It is not uncommon to observe fathers and mothers who systematically give up leisure activities or moments for themselves. Sometimes guilt even emerges, as if leisure is incompatible with being a good parent. It is essential to be aware of this. Different studies have confirmed that the emotional dependence of parents towards their children causes these negative effects that are difficult to reverse.

Therefore, if we understand that educators are the direct example for children, the importance of having good role models is evident. If we seek to educate children who are not emotionally dependent, it would be good to start by educating children who know, love and value each other. Perhaps we should know each other, love each other and value each other more (or better). This may be a good time to remember  that we are capable, that we are not half of nothing … because we are complete beings. Then, from there, we can teach the difference between need and love… Thus, whole, we will be freer.