The Fear Of Losing Loved Ones

The fear of losing loved ones is a mixture of rational and irrational fear. This fear is replicated because it has a very specific function for our survival. But, who has not been paralyzed on more than one occasion by the power of fear? And of all the possible fears, one of the most difficult to cope with is precisely the one that causes us to think that someone we love may disappear from our lives on a journey of no return.

Physiologically, experiencing fear activates certain parts of our body and deactivates others so that we can focus all our attention on the danger that threatens us, which in this case is the phobia of losing loved ones.

Fear therefore modifies the organism by virtue of this defensive function and prepares it to withstand significant wear and tear – for our body, we are facing a threat to our integrity. Thus, part of these changes can be harmful to the body if it becomes chronic or repetitive.

Characteristics of fear of loss

The fear of losing loved ones is rooted in the fear of being deprived of the affection that binds one to those loved ones and implies a need to make an effort to protect them from any threat that endangers their life or the existing relationship. This type of emotion can become unbearable, oppressive, anxious … It can, in short, generate its own symptoms and clearly phobic.

As a rule, anxiety about the death of a loved one encompasses a cluster of anticipatory thoughts about something that is statistically possible, but is not real in the present moment. These thoughts often take the form of existential questions, such as “ What will my life be like without your presence? “, Which are intrusively and repetitively presented to us.

The effects of fear of losing loved ones

Our thoughts generate emotions and fear is one of the most powerful. Specifically , it is a type of emotion that  activates our limbic system in order to focus attention on a threat, which in this case is losing our loved ones.

In turn, the frontal lobes – which are in charge of consciously and voluntarily changing our attention – see their functionality reduced in this situation of fear and our physiological system immediately prepares us to attack or flee.

In some cases, even this physiological reaction that accompanies the emotion of fear is so intense and sudden that it is possible to faint or stupor without the ability to perform any type of movement.

Therefore, the fear of losing a loved one is totally counterproductive in the relationship maintained with said being, since its effect is far from allowing us to generate the appropriate thoughts and behaviors to love, value and appreciate more the person who is so important. for us.

The losses

Any loss involves a grieving process that by definition is different for each person. A loved one can die, but we can also lose them for other reasons, such as a relationship breakdown. In grief, the bottom line remains the same: loss.

People do not belong to us and therefore we can never be sure how long the relationship with that loved one will last; This idea is painful and hurtful to many people, and forces them to live in a perpetual state of fear.

To manage these thoughts well, the key is to enjoy as much as we can with the person we love, living in the present moment, but without forgetting that the ability to love and be loved is human; therefore imperfect and limited.

In almost any loss situation, the challenge to overcoming lies in learning to let go. This is very clearly exemplified in moments like those in which a person stops loving his partner or when a member suffers a very complicated and painful illness without possibility of cure.

Grief is always painful, and we cannot expect it to be kind to us. In return, by advancing in it, we will gain the possibility of truly opening ourselves to the possibility of loving and trusting ; once again, as many times as necessary.

Jealousy and fear of losing your partner

Jealousy speaks of a feeling that arises as a reaction to the fear of losing love in competition with a third party, real or imaginary, who is not part of the couple. All people feel jealous, in one way or another, and with greater or less intensity; Of course, the way in which we handle them will make them help us or harm us.

The emotion of fear is a psychophysiological process and, as such, it relies on brain responses to stimuli; These responses are automatically triggered actions that have been learned throughout life.

However, feelings such as jealousy usually appear after a conscious evaluation that we make of our internal state during an emotional response. Thus, in them there is usually an “important rational component” and voluntary that can be worked on.

Let us consider that the attempts to reduce the pathological fear of losing a partner end up feeding back on this fear and in some cases the logical result is what one was most suspicious of: the final loss of the loved one.

When this harmful emotion invades us, it obscures the capacity for empathy and can trigger a panic that will make us act impulsively, something that we will later have time to regret if, on the relationship, the consequences are negative.

Relationship between fear and love

The fear of losing loved ones is not, although it may seem so at times, a sign of love. The fear of losing the bond with the loved one is an innate and unavoidable response; it is coherent to a certain extent and, therefore, what remains is to try to live that emotion intelligently.

Reflecting on the fear of losing loved ones invites us to connect with life, with the present moment -which we share with those we love-, with family, friends, colleagues, etc.

Sometimes certain emotions, feelings, and thoughts, such as those that accompany this fear, do not allow us to enjoy our relationships; They prevent us from doing such human acts as loving, sharing, and appreciating the good that we have. That is why its management is so important.

Let’s enjoy every moment with the people we love, let’s make those memories that later, when we remember them, leave a smile on our lips. Those that would title a chapter of our life despite one extending more than an hour, an afternoon, a minute, a second or an instant.

Perhaps becoming aware of the importance of enjoying them is the key to finding air where it is difficult to breathe : when the fear of loss, in the form of a shadow, leaves us without light.