Self-control Strategies In Emotional Dependence

Emotional dependence is one of the most frequent reasons for consultation, although clients or patients do not initially think that this may be the reason. The prevalence is higher in women, although we do not know if this prevalence is real, since the data are based on the frequency with which they come for this reason.

When a patient suffers emotional dependence, the psychologist usually suspects it, since he can hear how the patient verbalizes that “he loves his partner too much”, “it will change with time and when he realizes it” or he says that, on occasions, stop everything you are doing in your life to distance the possibility of abandonment.

In this sense, the emotional dependent is capable of abandoning projects that are important to him, neglecting other people, spending excessive amounts of money on gifts or even not setting limits to disrespect or humiliation on the part of his partner.

We can imagine what the self-esteem of these people is like when they put their partner far above themselves, even if it hurts them. What really happens is that there is an unresolved emotional lack that they try to fill with the fleeting affection of another person.

For this reason, abandonment is so important, since it would mean being orphaned of love or affection, something that they lack on their own.

How far can emotional dependence go?

When I explain emotional dependence, I usually draw a ” puppet ” running after a heart with a hole in the center of its body – as if it were missing a piece – The hole, which is also shaped like a heart, can only be filled with the own self-esteem, that is, with the heart that the patient sets himself.

The clerk does not know this and thinks that running after a heart that is outside is the solution to his problem. And it runs, runs and does not stop running, for days, months, even decades. What is the result of this strenuous race? The only result that our ” puppet ” obtains is precisely exhaustion.

The only heart that can serve us, as we have already said, is the one that we give ourselves. And in this sense, power is not outside, but is born from within.

But if we don’t know this, the result is that we can go a long way on that expedition. We can lose our friendships by leaving them aside to avoid rejection from our partner, we can sabotage our own values, tastes, and hobbies to satisfy the other. We can abandon jobs, trips, interesting projects because we do not get away from our partner and that means their loss. We can even become jealous and try to control everything the other does, with the suffering that this entails and the little result.

What can we start to do to avoid falling into this trap?

Self-control strategies in emotional dependence

The techniques from the psychological point of view that we can carry out to gain self-control in emotional dependence have to be aimed at managing our most emotional and ingrained impulses.

Emotionally dependent people, as with other dependencies, know that their way of acting hurts them, but they cannot stop doing it because their “emotional gps” has a lot of force guiding their actions.

Some ways to do this unlearning are:

• When you go to write a text message to your partner or ex-partner as an attempt to control, either out of jealousy or to know what he thinks or what he is doing, you should write that same message on a blank sheet of paper. In this way, you gain time – the emotion decreases its intensity in a few minutes – and you also force yourself to remove it from your impulsive mind to reality and then you will have to write it again on your mobile.

• Try to practice zero contact. If the relationship is over and you’re still hooked, try zeroing out the actual contact. Eliminate it from all social networks, avoid meeting with mutual friends or frequenting places where you can find each other.
• If you feel the urge to go to his house, go over to talk to him, etc., do the opposite. If to go home, you have to take the car and drive on a specific road, deviate to another alternative path that forces you to go many laps to reach your main destination. As in the rest of the strategies, this will allow you to save time and think more rationally.

• Think about what you are going to get by following your impulses. Will he come back to you? Will you get him to explain to you, as you want, why he is no longer by your side? Will you get me to come back to you? Do you really want to get back with him or her? If after all the questions, you conclude that you are not going to get to anything more than an argument, fatigue or irritation that you could have saved yourself, ask yourself if you still want to follow your instincts.
• Make a reminder card. When you are emotionally calm, write a reminder card that you must always carry with you to have access to it. There you have to write sentences that help you not to take the step to the dark side when you are too emotional. They have to be phrases that reach you and serve you, not just anything is worth it.

An example could be: “You already have experience and you know that by acting in this way you only end up hurting yourself. Isn’t that a good reason to keep trying to control your impulses? “

Self-control in emotional dependence is difficult to acquire. It requires constant work, and yet no one is totally invulnerable. We have to know that falls or relapses are part of the process and continue to persevere.

Little by little, with practice, we will gain self-esteem and we will stop getting involved in relationships based on dependency, to start generating and maintaining healthy, easy and fluid relationships.