Passive-aggressive Friends, When Trust Hurts

Passive-aggressive friends are bad companions on the journey. However, sometimes it is difficult to leave them on the platform, say goodbye, explain that nothing is easy with them, that friendship hurts and that we feel clearly damaged by their way of being. Thus, although it is true that it is difficult to deal with this type of relationship, it is something that we should consider.

So … what would be the most correct in these situations? Continue to maintain that bond or speak seriously with that friendship and demand changes? Well, in these types of situations there is no universal formula. In reality, within the passive-aggressive personality there are different subtypes, with which, we can be in front of people with a more harmful behavior and others where it is a little less.

The truth is that despite the existence of different types, living with someone passive-aggressive means having to endure, almost daily, behaviors where insecurity, ambivalence, resentment and even underground aggressiveness abound. Sometimes they can be very subtle, but when you share time with this type of profile, those subtleties end up seeing coming and hurt like pins.

Be that as it may, the most appropriate thing is to know how to react. Having a passive-aggressive person as a friend supposes, among other things, experiencing conflicts almost continuously, and experiencing a slow demoralization. When what one expects precisely from a friendship is just the opposite. Let us therefore delve a little deeper into this topic.

Passive-aggressive friends, a very common personality type

Passive-aggressive personality has been described in psychology for more than a century. It was in fact the Austrian psychoanalyst Wilhem Reich who first told us about it shortly after the Second World War. According to him, it was the most prevalent personality type among the population.

Also, shortly after this profile ended up appearing in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), classifying it as a personality disorder. However, in the latest versions of this manual, it has ceased to be considered a “disorder” to be understood simply as a form of personality, one that in certain cases can appear with other conditions, such as obsessive-compulsive disorders or even dependent disorder. of personality.

On the other hand, and as we well know, this type of behavior can appear in many people in our immediate environment: fathers, mothers, partners, coworkers, friends … However, there is a curious fact, and that is that it is easier for us identify this behavior in others before ourselves. We must bear this in mind : we are all susceptible to applying such harmful dynamics.

Passive-aggressive friends and their behaviors

When we talk about passive-aggressive friends, the issue is somewhat more complicated. The reason? Often what unites us with these people is time and affection. It is possible that we have experienced many things at his side, and even that we have become used to being patient, to forgive and to give third and fourth chances.

However, we know that there is something that is wrong with them and we do not know how to name it. Therefore, let’s see what characterizes this type of profile. To do this, we will draw on the works of Theodore Millon.

They are devious

What exactly does it mean to be devious? This term refers to a clearly twisted type of behavior. These would be some examples:

• They are prone to procrastination. They take a long time to give answers, to go to an appointment, to react when something is expected of them.

• They are people who always “forget” things, those you cannot trust and those who always have a thousand excuses and justifications in their pockets.
• They are prone to frequent anger; when they do, they use silence as punishment.

They are abrasive

Passive-aggressive friends apply abrasive behaviors. of those that hurt and leave an emotional mark. This means that their treatment is usually harmful, instantly they make use of an apparent moral superiority to judge and criticize us ; after a while, they are submissive and dependent.

Instability as a way of being

A phrase that defines them perfectly is “with you, but without you.” They have the need to control us, to be on top of us to supervise every aspect of our life, but at the same time, they cannot bear our opinion about what they do or do not do. Likewise, it is common for them to be full of energy and positivity right off the bat and hours later, they are a well of resentment and suffering.

The eternal dissatisfaction

Passive-aggressive friends see a problem in every situation, a mistake in every detail, a speck of dust in every sparkling crystal. Something like this generates, for example, that we cannot share our joys with them, because if there is something in which they are experts, it is in extinguishing illusions, hopes and also their own morals.

Also, this type of personality is very skilled when it comes to using victimhood, also those glasses where they only see themselves and their own distorted reality.

I have a passive-aggressive friend, what can I do?

Passive-aggressive friends can demoralize us and completely distort the concept of friendship. We should not get used to this type of behavior; on the contrary, we can react using very specific strategies.

• Do not fall into his trap : if he stops talking to you out of anger, let him do it, if he asks you for something that you do not want or it is not good for you to comply, do not do it, if he blames you for anything, do not give it any importance . The last thing we should do is reinforce these behaviors and let them affect us in some way.
• Always keep one aspect in mind: what the passive-aggressive person fears the most is being ignored and losing your friendship, so do not give importance to any type of threat or blackmail.
• Firmness and calm. You need to make it clear to those passive-aggressive friends that you are not going to tolerate this type of behavior. Always communicate it calmly and closely, balance should always be your best strategy.
• If there are no changes, better distance. It is necessary for these people to be clear that such harmful behaviors cannot be repeated. If they happen again and that friend does not have any will to generate changes, improve and become aware, the ideal is to establish distance.

Ideally, this personality type should have professional help. Given that they do not always take this step, let’s try to protect our psychological well-being by remembering that we are dealing with very harmful behavior.