Giving In Is Not The Solution
In interpersonal relationships logical conflicts arise, because we are different. But sometimes we mistakenly believe that giving in is the solution to problems. We think that the differences are solved when one of the people involved gives in his position to the position of the other.
The consequence, certainly, is not to have conflicts, we are convinced by giving in we have “solved the problem.” But is it really so? The truth is that no, giving in does not solve anything, at least not always. In most cases, all we have done is postpone the problem, because we have prevented it, we have not fixed it.
Give in and convince
When there are differences, seeking a solution means, first of all, accepting that we are different . In no case should the other person be expected to simply adopt my point of view.
If we give in or wait for the other person to give in, in reality, we intend to “convince” the other with our point of view, and if we succeed, they will have resigned to my approach, in most cases, for not generating conflict.
Therefore, simply giving in or waiting for the other to give in means not respecting differences, or respecting myself when I’m the one who gives in frequently.
Resignation is not the same as acceptance
Resignation is equivalent to giving in, to “stop being myself, for the benefit of the other person.” It is never the solution, since:
- In the first place, the conflict will end up coming out at another time
- Second, the person who resigns does not feel good, neither with himself nor with the other person.
Resigning ourselves always entails discomfort and reproach for what I did for the other person and I will never be compensated. Sooner or later, resignation will have a consequence, the suffering of the one who resigned. Suffering that ends in a kind of slavery to his decision to give in.
By contrast, when I accept, I do not intend to change the other person. And I don’t allow them to change me either. Thus, seeking solutions means respecting and accepting ourselves as we are, without waiting for the other person to change, or give in, or resign themselves to my approach.
Accepting means understanding and learning to move forward on your own path. A path that we have chosen.
But then … What is the solution?
The solution is to find common ground, reach agreements and consensus . It is about creating something new where both people feel themselves, respected and happy with the result obtained.
For this, it is important to dedicate time and adequate communication . A two-way communication in which both parties express their emotions, feelings and opinions, respecting them and accepting them as valid.
We will have reached the solution when we feel satisfied and happy with the agreement, whatever we have chosen, because it is part of the contribution of both people. No person imposed himself, nor did he try to convince the other party, nor were there any reproaches.
In conclusion, according to Friedman (1980) we find the solution without giving in when we do not stop being ourselves, however, together we have arrived at something different, bigger, more creative. And it is that the agreements are usually new proposals created by several people who, frequently, will exceed the individual proposals expressed.
