Ghosting: Disappearing, Instead Of Ending A Relationship

Julia can’t believe it. She had a relationship of almost a year with a man who seemed to be the great love of her life. Suddenly, everything began to change, she says “from one day to the next.” The truth is that that man on whom she had placed all her expectations as a partner disappeared without saying “this mouth is mine.” She still doesn’t know if this was a way to end a relationship, her relationship, or simply to temporarily distance herself.

The situation is confusing for her. She called him and wrote several messages to him, but he did not respond. He does not know whether to try again. Sometimes you think you may be having a problem and that is why it does not appear. At other times, he believes that he simply did not have the courage to finish her face to face and that is why he disappeared and now evades her.

Does that situation sound familiar to you? Julia is a fictional character, but, sure, we have all known a Julia or have been herself at some point. And it is that disappearing from the relationship, instead of ending a relationship directly, became a frequent practice. So common is it that they already gave it a name: “Ghosting”, or becoming a ghost overnight. Why is this happening?

Disappearing, a way to end a relationship or to perpetuate?

This is not supposed to happen between two adults. When a relationship begins, both assume that it continues until either of them wants to end. The reasonable thing is that at that moment it is marked in time through open communication, so that the other understands that the bond is over and that each one is free to manage their sentimental life with total independence.

We all know that ending a relationship is rarely easy. Both tend to get hurt, but a little more, generally, the one who does not make the decision or does not express it, “the left one” or “the left one”. However unpleasant that moment may be, however, it  is understood that the least that can be done is to communicate to the other that the bond has been broken.

This, which seems so obvious, is not clear to many adults. These move away and with their estrangement they pretend that the other understands that it is a way to put an end to the relationship. It is also very comfortable for them, since it avoids explanations, scenes and bad times.

The paradox of disappearing

The problem is that this situation, by itself, contains a paradox. By not ending directly, but choosing to disappear, this “disappeared” also perpetuates, in one way or another, the bond with his ex. And it perpetuates it because the affected person will have some degree of uncertainty, which for some time will not allow him to close the issue.

Not ending relationships complicates grief

As hard as it may be, it is always healthier to end a relationship directly than to put it on hold and thus open the way to all kinds of interpretations and conjectures. When you know you’ve lost someone, whether you want to or not, the process of assuming it begins. That means suffering the loss, mourning it, and looking for a way to reorganize the emotional world.

If the relationship has been inconsequential, disappearing can be an obvious and digestible conclusion. But if there have been intense feelings, joint plans, and expectations in the couple, the situation becomes much more complicated. In these cases, disappearing is equivalent to abandoning in the strict sense of the term. And for those who are abandoned, it implies an imprecise grief, which will not be exempt from failed hopes and anger at having been ignored as an active part of the relationship.

According to Feldman, E. (2012), people disappear because they do not have the clarity or strength to end the relationship and prefer not to face the moment of the break in front of the other. However, they resolve the issue causing a great injury to the person. It protects themselves from grieving, because rather they choose to ignore it and move on. Deep down, they also hurt themselves.

Ghosting as a practice of immature people

Ghosting is a practice of selfish and immature people, who feel inferior to circumstances. They do not trust their own resources. Also, they have probably been abandoned in the past as well, so they don’t want to face the duel. However, when going over the feelings of the other, they are above all dishonest with themselves. And this, sooner rather than later, will also undermine their later relationships.