Being Genuine, The Key To Success

When we decide to be genuine, it is likely that the person we become ends up leaving behind beliefs, dreams, relationships, places … to rescue others. Deciding to act in the direction of what makes us happy is courageous on our part, in addition to our responsibility.

A decision like this is the starting point of a journey that begins and lasts a lifetime. Perhaps at some point we feel lost without knowing very well which option is the best or if it is the one we really want. We have a hard time being sure about what we want. On the other hand, in addition to making mistakes and being judged, we can also be afraid of not accepting ourselves.

And what does it mean to be genuine?

Being ourselves is, when we laugh at what makes us grace when we cry to what makes us sad when we exploit in anger at a situation that takes us out of our boxes … C hen we live our circumstances accordingly to what we want, feel and think, moment by moment, regardless of what the rest of the world thinks, that is being genuine.

People live in a community, we tend to build our own image based on the experiences we have in interactions with others. Thus, the social context influences us and although we have to take into account that we live with more people, preserving or establishing our own criteria (always from respect for that of others) is key if we want to be genuine.

As we have already said, to be genuine we have to let go of habits, thoughts or people that have become part of our identity or our life. Choosing ourselves is saying goodbye to certain elements, although this means being tangent at some point to the curve of loneliness.

Feeling alone is not the same as being alone. It is an emotion that, if we manage it properly, can help us to have the personal setting in which to exercise our freedom and take the steps towards what we understand as success.

The expectations of others

When exposing ourselves to the opinion of others, we have to face each of the filters that make up our social support structure:

• Our closest circle. They are those people who have seen us grow, with whom we enjoy intimacy. They may think that they know exactly who we are, what we want and what is best for us.
• Those who are part of our professional circle. They would be the ones who, with their feedback, lead us to reaffirm ourselves as good or bad professionals.
• We also have all those with whom we have little or have had a relationship at some point. They are not usually the most important people in our life, but we usually give them that role. They end up becoming a mirror of perverse reflection that we look at.

• Last but not least, ourselves. It’s funny, but we end up being our greatest and feared enemy, and the main culprit of our insecurities and misfortunes.

Thus, “what will they say” can introduce us into a spiral of comparisons and doubts that are difficult to get out of. Because what determines who we are? Is the reason for others or should we be guided by what we really want and feel ourselves?

When being genuine takes a back seat: the fear of being yourself

The main source of learning is observation, as can be seen from Albert Bandura’s studies on social learning. By observing the behavior of others and the consequences that derive from it, we are learning: establishing associations.

Sometimes the anticipation of valuable information makes us look more outward than ourselves, especially in cases where insecurity and fear are the rudder that guides us.

For example, Steve Hayes, within the framework of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, works with patients from the idea that being genuine is key to achieving goals. On certain occasions, dissociating ourselves from ourselves is the price to pay for living the dreams of others. Acting disconnected from what we want and feel leads to a disconnection with the intimate, with the own. This defense mechanism is common in people who do not act according to their wishes or values.

Another typical behavior pattern that stems from not being genuine is experiential avoidance. There are many people who constantly avoid what scares them and generates anxiety, even intuiting that what they escape from is the same thing they want.

Living with meaning, the path to success

But what is success? We each have our own definition. Well, being genuine is also finishing specifying this semantics and acting on it. On the other hand, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy proposes that clarifying values ​​is essential to build a life worth living, and these are the fundamental pillars that give meaning to who we are.

We focus on what others expect of us, what they want … To  be genuine, we have to put the focus on ourselves, especially on getting to know ourselves in depth. It would be a matter of tolerating – even wanting – a necessary solitude, which will not lead us to nothing at all, but will open the doors of our particular paradise: US.