5 Verbal Attacks From Your Partner That You May Not Notice

“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” That’s how wise were the words of the famous writer Isaac Asimov. Unfortunately, many of these incompetents have reached an enormous capacity to emit barely perceptible verbal aggressions and therefore, very dangerous.

In addition, if verbal aggression is dangerous in one area, it is in that of the partner. Sometimes love makes us justify completely unjustifiable attitudes and words. However, sometimes they are so imperceptible or common that we do not even identify them.

As stated by Diane Follingstad (2007) from the University of Kentucky: “psychological aggression refers to a set of behaviors that encompasses a range of verbal and psychological methods that have the purpose of emotionally hurting, coercing, controlling, intimidating, psychologically damaging and express anger against the partner ” . Let’s go deeper.

Barely perceptible verbal assaults

Deciphering the intentions of the other person in a relationship is not easy. In fact, no matter how confident we are, there will always be the possibility that we are wrong, because neither of us can firmly affirm what the other thinks. In this way, there will be many verbal aggressions hidden in words and gestures that do not seem so at first glance. Here we explain some of them.

Teasing about family

It is not uncommon for a couple to ridicule the other member of the relationship through criticism of their family or origin. Especially if it comes from humble, rural places or its parents have few resources. However, criticism and complaint are not exclusive to this profile.

This type of aggression can be very offensive. Without justification or any basis, a stigma could be created that can be used at convenience and appear during an anger, in a social gathering or at very inopportune times.

Talk about other people’s attractions

Talking about other people’s attractions does not have to be an aggression in itself. Now, when it is repeated over time, in a way that seeks to undermine the couple’s self-esteem, it becomes an important verbal aggression.

Seeing other people attractive is not the problem, but talking continuously about it and comparing the couple with the people who are observed. This could even develop complexes and a feeling of inferiority for the treatment received.

Caricature the other person

On many occasions we make a verbal portrait of our partner in the form of humor and caricature. Sometimes we act as if we are able to read his mind, expressing that we know him better than he does.

What happens is that  this type of behavior can be repeated so much over time that it could end up becoming a joke. Thus, it would end up affecting the couple so much that their self-esteem will be reduced to the point of confusing their real person with the caricature that we have made of them.

Emotional blackmail

Emotional blackmail is another verbal assault that often goes unnoticed, but causes great hurts through guilt. This way of communicating is very subtle, since the person who exercises it, makes the other believe that he is the one who puts everything so that the relationship goes well and is fruitful. According to the therapist Susan Forward (2013), emotional blackmail is “a powerful way that people use directly or indirectly towards those close to them, using threats to punish and get what they want to do” .

Thus, all the emotional blackmail speeches are usually aimed at demonstrating the effort made by the manipulator so that everything goes well and is correct. In this way, the victim ends up believing that he is guilty of what happened and that if it were not for his partner, everything would be a real disaster.

Gas light

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that gets its name from the title of a famous 1944 film directed by George Cukor. In this case, the verbal aggression is aimed at making the other member of the couple doubt their own mental capacities, perception and memory. Through lies and manipulations, a huge psychological discomfort is created in the other person. In this way, their insecurity and devaluation are promoted.

Through the gaslight, the couple pretends to make the other person believe that they are “going crazy.” It is a very subtle but very destructive mistreatment. It is quite difficult to show that it is taking place. One of the goals of the couple may be to cast doubt on the other’s abilities. So, little by little, your self-esteem and self-confidence diminish.

However, due to the complexity of detecting the situation, psychologists recommend taking a third opinion from someone outside the couple. When the supposed problems that we attribute to the couple only manifest themselves in the relationship, it could be an indication that they are suffering from gas light. Otherwise, it could lead to really serious problems.

Final reflection

Thus, as much as this type of verbal aggression may seem very obvious and well-known, it is not always easy to recognize them, especially if we are the object of them. Therefore, we pay attention to our relationships and especially to the way of communicating that we implement in them to prevent discomfort, conflicts or breakdown through adequate communication.